Its been awhile.

I decided that before I made any sort of comment about the allegations involving Penn State and members of it's football program, Athletic department and higher I needed to become informed as to the level of the allegations and the severity. So I read the 23 page Grand Jury findings that Sports Illustrated has posted on their website. I'm a huge college football fan, and have long admired Joe Paterno and his longevity as Head Coach. I have been reading on Twitter and other social media sites of people calling for his job, and I found it hard to believe that he had any involvement in this problem and I wanted find out for myself before I jumped to his defense or grabbed a pitch fork and torch.

To say it was a struggle to get through is an understatement. But I wanted to read it all, so I will remember what people in certain positions are possible of. As a parent these are the types of incidents that you have nightmares about. Almost "worst case scenario" type things. You never expect to have it happen, but for some reason it is in the back of your mind. Disgusting what people are capable of.

I can not imagine how the parents of the children sexual assaulted by Jerry Sandusky haven't come out about it until now. The first investigated allegation against him was in 1998, from assaults dating back before 1996. So, the first documented victim has been dealing with this in relative silence for 15 years? That is completely unimaginable to me, as a parent, that these allegations have been quietly investigated while Sandusky went on about his life and assaulting other children, at least 7 other children. Its one thing to have to hear your child tell you about the things that were done to them, but then when you come to their defense and bring it to the attention of authorities, and little or nothing is done, it's hard for me to imagine those parents just setting by idly wait for him to "get his due." I know I for one would not be able to.

I have pitchfork and torch in hand and am with the masses marching to the door of Jerry Sandusky and Tim Curley for sure. With what I've read so far I do not feel I will be marching with them to JoPa's door though. When allegations were presented to him, he testified that he went to his boss with them, AD Tim Curley. At that point JoPa reported the allegations to his superior. I'm not clear on Pennsylvania law, especially in 2002 but I would guess being an employee of the state at a University, some sort of mandatory reporter standards were in place. If they were Coach Paterno should have followed those. I do not feel that Coach Paterno did everything in his power to discover weather the allegations were true or not, so I am with the masses in expecting him to step down as coach and remove himself from the PSU football program. But I'm not ready to torch him at the stake. Not at this point. I might be later if more comes to light though.

As a father to, in my opinion, the coolest, most amazing little boy I've ever met, the possibility of him every having to deal with anything like this not only disgusts me, but enrages me. I warn anyone that has any thoughts of hurting my little boy, that if you are scared of "Mama Bear" syndrome, I'd get out a new pair of pants for when this Papa Bear comes knocking on your door. I am not the most religious, or spiritual person in the world, but I do on occasion find myself praying for things. The one thing that always is prayed for is the health and safety of my son. It is something that will continue to be prayed for as long as I am breathing. I am saddened for the children who had to endure this abuse and have had to live with it, to this day. I am also saddened for the parents of these boys. That have to live with not only the pain that their children were hurt at the hands of someone who was supposedly trust worthy, but the pain that they must feel for not being able to protect them.

I will add to my next prayer that God makes a special place in hell for Jerry Sandusky. Unfortunately it won't be an isolated place as there are far to many residents who have done similar or worse things than him, but make sure there is a special place for him, extremely hot, and painful.

I hope to post more often, and obviously, those that know me well, know they will be more upbeat than this one, but I had to get this off my chest.

#1, numero uno, FIRST, and so it begins...

Well, I've been kicking around the idea of starting a blog, but don't want to be a "blogger" just cause it sounds gross, so I've hesitated. I am no longer hesitating, but I swear the first person that calls me a "blogger"... I'm coming after you! I will think of this as an outlet for my rants, tangents, collection of thoughts etc. Sometimes it may resemble a collection of intelligent thoughts, and other times it might be a Lewis Black-esque rant, but most times it will be a collection of thoughts far from intelligent. Whatever form it takes I hope the couple of you that might read it enjoy and know its a form of therapy for me. With that being said... drum roll please.... my first post:

Those of you that know my son know that he is a curious child. Wants to know everything about everything, this is a common trait in his age group, a 4 year olds conversations always start with "Why?" and end with "but... ok, cause you say so." It's what's in between that is so interesting. Take a recent interaction I had that I followed up with asking him why he asks 'why' so much. To my surprise the answer I got was "because I'm always trying to learn something new." His response completely threw me out of my parenting drone thought process. It was shocking how I had never really thought of it like that before. I'm not sure if his response was something he came up with or something he had heard someone else say, the origin doesn't matter really more the content.

His statement made me look more at how I answer his why's, am I teaching him, or just answering his request? I know the answer... don't want to admit it but i was answering the request rather than teaching. I'm the dad, I'm here to teach him how to be a good person, and good grownup, how not to do the things I've done wrong, and how to do the things I've done right better. I need to be more cognizant of how he is trying to learn. All parents think their children are special, and all parents say the same thing about their children that I am about to say but: He is a really smart kid. He's like a little sponge, soaking up everything he can. Mannerisms, sayings, even the way he thinks I can see the influence of his mom and myself in it. As the parent I need to be more careful of what stuff I spill for him to soak up. I'm not saying parents need to be perfect, cause I know I am far from it, but careful isn't that hard of a request to make. I'm fully aware the first time he gets in trouble for swearing and is asked where he learned the word his answer is going to be "Dad." (I'm betting on shit being the word, btw.)

On a side note, if I were to guess I don't think the first time he gets in trouble at school is because of language or anything like that. I think the call is going to come that he is insistent that the teacher is wrong about something and is arguing with them that he is right. All because either Dad, Mom or one of the Grandpa's told him so. I have no idea where he gets the tenacity for being right at. ;)

Anyway, back to the original thought. I know every parent gets frustrated with their kids at some point. I know frustration is going to be there, but I want to make sure I keep the frustration to a minimum, and don't ever let it become anger. Frustration can be dealt with, anger causes hurt and pain. I have frustrations with my son, even he knows this, but my biggest frustration is with myself and how I am raising him. I'm not scared of too many things but failing him as a father is a HUGE fear and I now it's one many parents have. In my opinion its a fear all parents should have, this fear drives us to be our best, to be hard on ourselves when we do something that we feel can hurt their development. This fear is what drives me to be the best Dad he can, and will ever have.

Here are just some of the fears I have on an hourly basis: I fear I'm too hard on him; I fear I'm not hard enough on him; I fear he's going to get hurt; I fear that my fear of him getting hurt will keep me from letting him try things; I fear that my fears are going to hurt him; all in all, I guess I'm actually fearful of a lot of things.

There are a couple of things that I make sure I tell him at least once a day if not multiple things. One is that I love him more than he will ever know, all the time regardless of if I'm frustrated with what he's doing. The other is that I am always here for him no matter what. I'm not around him 24/7, I have him every other week, but I want him to know now, so he remembers later that I am always there for him, even if he's "not with me."

I'll probably continue this thought at some point int he future but I'll end it here. If you read this I hope you enjoy and it didn't get to serious for you. If it did, read the last line, that will help.

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes." - Jack Handey